Thursday, 12 April 2012

The Art of the Ass Grab

Well hello to all!!

Today is new blog post day! Are you as excited as I am?

Today, in honor of that guy behind me in line at the Thai Express who kept touching my ass accidentally, I have decided to share the story of my awkward body part grabbing ways. Please, please...contain your excitement.

Now, knowing my age, chosen profession, and remembering the fact that I am not a newborn puppy, you would probably think/hope that I have excellent control of my limbs! Well friends, I am here to tell you that this is not the case. Not only do I have very poor control of my limbs, but often this poor limb control leads, in some way, to me groping strangers.  You might be asking yourself "Holly, if you know this about yourself why don't you do something to fix it?" It's not that easy. I wish I could. But sometimes life is not fair for the awkward, sometimes God deals you an awkward hand (or as you will soon learn in my case, 2 awkward hands). I have three cases to share with you. There are more...but I don't want to frighten you.

Case 1: That time I grabbed that guys crotch and didn't let go for like 30 seconds
Case 2: That time I was mulling over a shampoo purchase and grabbed a lady's ass
Case 3: That time I held hands with a guy walking beside me in the hall.

Let's get started.

Case 1
Setting: Science Hallway of my high school.
Characters: 12th grade Holly probably wearing a blue zip up hoody and jeans with unbrushed hair and general unkempt appearance. Unsuspecting grade 11 boy.
Scenario: 12th grade Holly walks down the hall with her friend Brianne towards her 2nd period Biology class.  Young unsuspecting grade 11 boy walks upstream towards Holly and Brianne and his Chemistry class.  Contact is inevitable as the hallways are crowded during period changes.  Holly's hand is hanging low as her bag is hooked around her arm weighing it down slightly.  Boy manages to squeeze past several people before reaching the spot Holly and Brianne are at.  Holly's hand makes contact with boys crotch. Holly can't move hand. OH GOD HOLLY CAN'T MOVE HER HAND. Holly looks up, makes eye contact with boy. Both boy and Holly look shocked. Holly says..."Oh God...Sorry...I...I can't move it." Boy says "...." (nothing...he says nothing) with a look of terror in his eyes. Boy has no choice but to back up through the crowd with Holly while she continues to cup his man parts. Holly walking forwards, and boy walking backwards, now reach the end of the congested hallway. Holly quickly removes hand. Holly and boy exchange glances. Holly says "...uhhhh...." Guy says "uh...its fine" Holly goes into Bio hand hanging in shame. Boy chances the crowd once more in hopes of reaching his destination. Both parties come out of the experience changed.

Case 2
Setting: Walmart Shampoo Aisle.
Characters: 2nd year Holly probably wearing yoga pants and a hoody. Unsuspecting 30 ish year old woman.
Scenario: We find Holly standing in the shampoo aisle of her local Walmart. She is mulling over hair care products but cant decide between Tresemme and Herbal Essences (She uses Redken "Extreme" now in case you're wondering).  She has her hands extended in front of her in exasperation over this difficult decision.  Lady standing slightly in front of Holly but slightly to the left SUDDENLY moves to the right and backs up INTO HOLLYS EXTENDED HANDS. Holly's hands make very obvious contact with strangers ass.  Holly quickly retracts hands. Stranger acting as though a firecracker has been set off in her ass whips around horrified, Holly looks up horrified. Stranger says "Oh....HA...I didn't expect THAT to happen in a WalMart" Holly says " neither?" Holly grabs the Tresemme and leaves aisle immediately. Holly pauses in next aisle, looks at her cursed hands and wonders sadly "...why?....just....why??"

For my more visual Walmart stranger butt grab was a little bit like this picture of Rick Perry, presumably miming grabbing a large butt? 

Case 3
Setting: Mount Royal University main street
Characters: 1st year Holly probably wearing yoga pants and a hoody. Unsuspecting university boy.
Scenario: Holly rushes down mainstreet to make it in time for one of her first year nursing lectures. She walks briskly with her arms swinging at her sides. Boy leaving library falls into pace with Holly. But wait, what's this? This boy is not paying attention and neither is Holly.  Boy is getting closer and closer to Holly, and Holly is veering slightly toward boy.  Suddenly Holly feels boys arm brush against hers. Holly's fingers open automatically, as if by magic, and makes contact with boys hand. Holly for some reason unbeknownst to ANYONE EVER closes her fingers around boys hand. Boys hand also closes for a second and then both parties realize that they are holding hands. Holly sidesteps, awkwardly breaking the grasp.  Holly and boy both look up at each other. Holly giggles awkwardly because she is 17 and a child. Boy nods, looking uncomfortable, and picks up his pace to race away from the strange monster who he shared a moment with.
So as you can see, my limbs have a mind of their own. There is no stopping them. Sigh...someone needs to make this madness stop. Or at least someone needs to warn people standing near me that they are in the danger zone. If they aren't careful...then BOOM they can consider their ass/crotch/hand grabbed.

I imagine my wedding day will look something like this....