Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Food Poisoning

Top of the cusp of the afternoon to you!

Last night was truly a horrendous experience.  I feel as though I am a changed person from it.  The last time I had food poisoning this bad I wrote two awkward emails to my grade 12 Chemistry and English teachers about the experience.
They both went something like this...

"Hi Mr. R
I will not be in class today because I have developed, probably, the most awful case of food poisoning known to man! That is a bit mellow dramatic but I am really quite sick! I was fine at the talent show but on the way home I thought that I had swallowed a buffalo! Sorry for that over share. The night and much of the day has not been enjoyable! But I will be there to write the unit test tomorrow! Thanks for coming to the talent show by the way! It was a great success!

"Hi Mr. H
I'm sorry I didn't make it into class today but I have some serious food poisoning! I have been continuously sick since 11:30 last night, even falling asleep on my bathroom floor a few times...sorry if that is an over share! I ate a bad wrap from extra foods but was fine at the show last night, but on the drive home I felt as if a bear was punching my stomach...again sorry for the over share! But I will definitely be there for the mock tomorrow! And thanks again for being in the talent show it was a fun night and very successful.

NOW...you may be thinking..."OH HOLLY PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SEND EMAILS THAT WERE ACTUALLY LIKE THAT". To you dear readers I say:

Where were you 5 years ago to tell me not to because, not only did I send emails like this, I sent THOSE EXACT EMAILS. I found them in the sent folder of my old email account. #Headhangofshame.

To make matters worse this is what those particular teachers looked like in my minds eye:

Dont believe that a human can be that awkward? Well I'm here to prove you wrong. Check out the email I sent to my clinical instructor last night.

Hi Jen,
I just want to let you know that I don't think I can make it in to clinical this morning and this seemed like the fastest way to tell you without waking you up with a phone call at 2 am.  I've been up all night with what I think is food poisoning. My stomach has basically been in a state of constant cramping since about 830. Not sure what I ate, all I know is that now it wants to kill me slowly/punish me.  I've got an alarm set for 5 just in case I do ever get some sleep or I eventually stop emptying my body contents (Sorry for that horrible visual) so you hopefully might see me still. I really really really hate missing clinical, especially when we only have 3 weeks in acute care, but I will definitely be back for Wednesday. I'm really sorry and annoyed and I hope this is okay. FYI, also maybe steer clear of the Egg salad in the cafeteria? Just to be safe....

....Sigh....At least I can rest easy knowing that 5 years later I am still the most awkward human being in the room and that it isn't a recent development. And I think we can all rest a little easier knowing that.



I'm so pleased that you've found your way over to the most fascinating blog on the internet. True story. I literally know for a fact that this blog is the most fascinating blog ever created by anyone living and/or dead.  So please take this moment to stop and congratulate yourself for having the finest of tastes. No really I'll wait...

My mission is threefold. A) I want to inform you, the privileged reader, of the awkwardness/awesomeness that is my life B) I need an outlet for which to spew my verbal diarrhea before I accidentally spew it out loud to an eligible bachelor, my grandma...or really anyone I come into contact with (Verbal Diarrhea in literary terms = "Logorrhea"...big shout out goes out to my grade 11/12 english teacher for teaching me that one) and C)....My mission is only twofold.  

Hopefully I will one day fill this blog with tales that excite, horrify, amuse and repel.  Here's a sneak peak of what you might hear about...

Grabbing strangers assess in Wal-mart
Dropping phones down mens pants 
Rolling across highways at night
Awkwardly catching poop in the hospital
Interacting with hot doctors at the Sundre hospital (We're going to have to get to know each other a little better before I divulge the details of this particular story)
Interacting with any staff member at any hospital ever (WHY AM I GOING TO BE A NURSE?!)
Job Interviews

So, dear reader. Sit back, relax and enjoy what I call "this blog".

Love and Kisses,